Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman? Snowballs.
Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!
Man vs priest
Man to his priest: “Yesterday I sinned with an 18 year old girl.” The priest: “Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.” Man: “And that frees me from my sin?” Priest: “No, but it frees your face from that dirty grin.
Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? A: Envelope.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.