Like could save a life
Your momma is so short, when she went to meet Santa he said, "Go back to work!"
Pee in the shower
Q: Who cares if you pee in the shower? A: The bride and all her guests, apparently.
Q: What is a mummy's favorite type of music? A: Wrap!
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!
Q: Why did Adele cross the road? A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
Value of pi
Teacher: What is the value of Pi? Student: Depending on what pie. Usually is $12.99