I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn't find the "CALL" button.
Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? A: He only comes once a year.
I just read a book about Helium. It was so good that I can't put it down.
Snowman and vampire
What do get if you cross a Snowman with a Vampire? Frostbite.