NO EATING

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Fridge and microwave are locked

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New jokes

Google
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

Months
Q: Can February march? A: No, but April may.

Turkey
Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!

Naughty girls
Why is Santa Claus so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Beans
A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

Kangaroo
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

LIGHTS OFF
I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'

Tears in eyes
My friend told me he gets tears in his eyes whenever his partner makes tender love to him. At first I thought he was an overemotional sissy, then I remembered: He's still in prison