Cats with glasses are sunbathing
#cat #cats #animal #white #lie #lying #glasses #animals #color #activities #things
Harry Potter
Q: How does Albus get into Hogwarts? A: Through the Dumble-door.
Google
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
Snowman and vampire
What do get if you cross a Snowman with a Vampire? Frostbite.
Santas sack
Q: Why is Santa Claus' sack so big? A: He only comes once a year.
Microwave oven
Yo momma is so stupid when an intruder broke into her house, she ran downstairs, dialed 9-1-1 on the microwave, and couldn't find the "CALL" button.
MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.
Adele
Q: Why did Adele cross the road?
A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"
Kids conversation
Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."