CAT ON THE GRASS

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Cat on the grass relaxing

#cat #cute #cats #animal #cute cat #lie #lying #massage #animals #feature #activities

New jokes

School
Mother: "How was school today, Patrick?" Patrick: "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!" Mother: "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?" Patrick: "What school?"

LIGHTS OFF
I'm so in love with my boyfriend right now. Everything is perfect, but we want totally different things in bed. Like, he's always turning the lights on, you know what I'm saying? And I shut them off, and he turns them on, and the other day, he's like, 'Amy, why are you so shy? You know, you have a beautiful body.' I was like, 'Oh my god, you're so cute. You think I don't want you to see me?'

Hamburgers
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!

MY WIFE AND I ARE REALLY IN SYNC
If my wife has too much to drink at a party, starts yapping a little too much, I don't have to say anything... three little leg squeezes, she knows that means 'Put a sock in it, drunkie, time for you to wrap it up.' Somebody didn't have dinner like I suggested, now you're spouting off at the mouth divulging all the family secrets. You need to pipe down or we've got to f**king leave.

Claustrophobic
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.

Stupid momma
Your momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.

Woman in the mirror
A woman looks in the mirror and says I look fat and then asks her husband to give her a compliment he says ok you have perfect eye sight.

Fat momma
Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."