Your momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, "I need your weight not your phone number."
A BLONDE & HER THERMOS
A blonde notices that her coworker has a thermos, so she asks him what it's for. He responds, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." The blonde immediately buys one for herself. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it. Her coworker asks, "What do you have in it?" She replies, "Soup and ice cream."
Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!
Your momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.
Q: How does Albus get into Hogwarts? A: Through the Dumble-door.
Q: What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common? A: No ballroom.
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
"Mom, where do tampons go?" "Where the babies come from, darling." "In the stork?"