Lions drinking water
Why isn't the turkey hungry at Thanksgiving? Because he's already stuffed!
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
Woman in the mirror
A woman looks in the mirror and says I look fat and then asks her husband to give her a compliment he says ok you have perfect eye sight.
Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.
Q: Why do hamburgers go to the gym A: To get better buns!
Q: Can February march? A: No, but April may.
Q: Is Google male or female? A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!